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Confessions Part 6: I’ve Been Replaced



By Agata Descroix – @agatacruz
An excerpt from her book – Confessions of An Autistic And Sexually Confused International Model

Everybody knows what a big punch to the ego is. I think everybody has been through some really nasty experience, when they feel they lost dignity, pride and respect and they just want to disappear into a mouse hole.

That’s what happened this month.

I’d been selected to be the next model to pose for Her* Magazine. It’s just a one page editorial look but it’s Her*! I couldn’t be happier! When I get to the studio, I am so excited I take a print off my book to make the room for my future new pic. During makeup and hair, I cannot hide my happiness and excitement. I chat and laugh while they are grooming me and it’s such a good feeling that I decide to put my “Airport Playlist” on. I have different playlists in my phone and I always choose the right one for every single situation.

Each playlist corresponds to a feeling I have in the moment and I want to increase. I have a “Powerful” playlist, a “Calm” playlist, a “Focus” playlist, an “Ecstatic” playlist and my favorite of all: the “Airport” playlist. When I listen to this carefully chosen music, I feel like nothing can limit me. I imagine I am in an airport, about to sit in a very fancy business class seat. I am a successful, happy, healthy and excited woman and I am about to take a very important trip to do a very important thing. I don’t really imagine what I am doing in this imaginary airport but I know it’s exciting and I am in power of my life.

So today, as I am feeling like this, I want to emphasize the sensation with limitless music. It’s going to be one-brand photography and this one is about laundry. I cannot believe it. I never do laundry because I don’t have the rack! But they booked me so maybe they want a more androgynous body for this one? The photographer is really nice but the team is a little distant. I think they have many projects and things on so I don’t focus my attention on them too much and try to give them the space they need. I try to be the perfect model, nice, proactive, and don’t complain about how frozen I am, sitting or laying, half naked on the cold concrete floor. My nose is running and it’s very uncomfortable to ask for a Kleenex at the middle of a take.

We do a hell of a lot of pictures and then finally they change my hair for a neater look. I ask the stylist and the makeup artist to take pictures of me onset and they play the whole backstage game with me. After six hours on the same thing, I am almost digesting myself of hunger. I had only breakfast, and I am more of a Hobbit kind; I like to divide my breakfast in two or three parts. After six hours, my oatmeal is down to my feet and my blood pressure starts to reel. They have no catering, so they go to the shop and buy an awful white-bread sandwich for me. I say “thank you”, keep my perfect-diet-complains for myself and eat.

Finally, the shooting is over. I share a taxi with the makeup artist and we start to joke around, share our numbers and take exhausted selfies. The suspense is huge. I regularly supervise the magazine section of the mall and one day, I hold my breath; the new issue is on the stand! I run to it and grab a whole bunch. In the cashier line, I decide to open the clear plastic bag that holds the Her* Beauty and the main issue together.

I feverishly scan the summary and find the “Her Look” page. On page 47, the picture is there. The laundry ensemble, the fluffy socks, the pose, everything… BUT IT’S NOT ME! I’ve been replaced for a curvy blond girl. I let the magazines fall on the side and go back home like a wounded doe escapes the hunter after he half shot her. I don’t even cry. It’s way beyond that. I take it so personally. I can’t help it. I talk to Damian and he pretends he doesn’t know the reason. I actually bet he does. I don’t trust him anymore. I am so hurt.

Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 1
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 2
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 3
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 4
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 5
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 7
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 8
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 9
Confessions Of An Autistic & Sexually Confused International Model – Part 10

He Loves Me…He Loves Me not – I Love Me…I Love Me Not



By Jenni Sellan

February. The month of love; romance on steroids; cupids moment in the spotlight; his bow and arrow the most coveted accessory. Aim, fire, It’s a perfect match.

A reason to expect a little more attention than usual or a not so subtle reminder that the only attention you will receive is that which you pay yourself.

February 14, the pinnacle; A date filled either with anticipation or loathing – a spectrum of extremes as we buy in to the ideal that our greatest loves are to be found external to ourselves, marked by an age old tradition and outward displays of affection and extravagance. (God forbid if I’m the only one in the office who doesn’t receive a ridiculously large bunch of flowers!)

Excuse me…. but at what point did the 1800’s call to remind us that our lives and name will not amount to anything of value without the ultimate partnership or pairing?

Isn’t it time to put to bed this idea that that the highest and most meaningful forms of self-validation count only when they arrive from external sources? He loves me… I love me… He loves me not… I love me not.. How about… I love me, full stop.

Romance (or lack thereof) aside, surely this constant quest for external acceptance is slowly suffocating our individuality as our unique selves are continually pushed further and further below the surface. And lets be honest, I can have my perfect partner lying beside me and still be searching for the Universe’s ultimate YES. This is not unique to romantic liaisons.
Digital disruption and the access it has given us has made our search for meaning even more complicated than your love story.

Take the quiz; are you more like Kim or Khloe…maybe Kendal is your long lost twin? Are you the Carrie Bradshaw of the group or a little more Samantha Jones?

If you live in the Western world, you belong to a place in time that lives and breathes a culture obsessed with the celebrity and fame of a minority group that appeals to the masses. Pop culture has become more influence and less entertainment and our identities instead of being found are lost, as so many of us find ourselves chasing meaning through identification with individual celebrities; ‘the stars’, ‘the IT model and the muse’ and high profile socialites. Whether consciously or not, we find ourselves in a world of comparison; “If only I lived a life like that; If only I had a love like that; I’d be skinnier, richer and happier and ultimately complete”.

Can we just get real here for a minute? These are lives that very few of us have genuine or authentic insight or access to. What we see is what is chosen for us to see, but our obsessions cloud our perceptions and make everything look so much greener on the other side.

Living our moments vicariously through the untouchable reality of someone else has got to be the ultimate form of torture. It’s time to flip our attention.
Imagine what our worlds could look like if we had a little healthy obsession – one that started with ourselves.

It seems to have become customary for us to identify with other people as opposed to identifying with our self. As a result, our dreams, visions and goals have a strange connection to a life other than our own.

(If we gave half the attention to our own dreams that we give to obsessing over Gigi’s instagram account we might just find ourselves enjoying our own little slice of success).

I admit, it sounds cliché, but the truth is, we need more self-love. Once we learn to find acceptance in ourselves, we become open to discovering our unique strengths, qualities, gifts and talents, and ultimately what we have to offer the world. In turn, the great loves of our life will follow and not just relationships; fulfilling careers, opportunities and dreams will become a part of your experience simply through the process of making room, for you.

Self-discovery is an adventure; what do like, what do you loath, what’s important to you, who are you in the quiet moments when it’ s just you, your pampered pooch and your favourite tee and sweat pants. What do you want to be, when you grown up? Unfortunately when it comes to the truth of these questions, many of us find it easier to tell you whose dating Orlando Bloom and how many times Tori Spelling has moved house in the last 5 years!

But as intimidating as we might find our deepest thoughts, it’s amazing what can transpire when our attention turns…

So instead of coveting Mariah’s diamond, allowing antiquated romantic notions to fill your head, or waiting for the ultimate connection or compliment before you decide you are enough, rise up. It’s your time.

Buy your own damn diamond ring and set your own soul on fire, because the universe needs YOU. (And as much as we love them, the world doesn’t need another Kardashian).



You Or The Agent? Who Really Has Control?



By Anonymous

I have no control over my life.

I’ve been modeling for over 10 years now. When I started I was head strong and have always played the game very safe. 

I am professional on set, I stay in shape, I am not wreckless with my money, this is my career and I am aware of it. I have to work a lot harder as I get older, but I also have the experience behind me which puts me ahead.

However two years into my work I realize that no matter how sensible I was with my career, I actually had no control of it in the end. 

As a model It’s the only industry where you can have everything it takes, but in order to get there you have to submit yourself to someone else in order to make your dreams happen. Your agent. 

I’ve heard some horror stories about greedy agents, some who are bitter and vindictive, others who take advantage of girls finances and some who offer heavily unhealthy advice. That’s an issue, yes, but it’s not entirely what I mean by submitting your control. 

They have the ability to make or break your dreams – and there really isn’t much you are able to do about it.

Criticising a model? Think twice..



It’s not easy being hated. Everyone thinks it is, but it’s not, and I’m not saying that to whine or anything, I’m just being honest.

Every single day I’m told I’m beautiful. I go to the store and people stare. I put gas in my car and perfect strangers offer to help me. It happens so much that I don’t even notice it any more. What I do notice, however, are the not so friendly comments. True, they don’t happen that often, but in a world of constant praise, it’s the haters that stand out. Truth is, their words really hurt.

I know models aren’t supposed to feel ugly, but have you ever thought about how ridiculous that request is? I mean, who goes around feeling invincible… in terms of their feelings, at least. For every 10 compliments I receive, it only takes 1 criticism to have me spending hours in front of the mirror, naked, trying to figure out if it’s true or not.

I remember one day a random girl on Twitter said I had a large forehead. Her tweet was one of 40 tweets I received that day, but it stood out. There I was staring at my screen wondering if I did, indeed, have a large forehead.

Four hours later, after I had thoroughly stared at all of my tear sheets, and spent 1 hour rearranging my hair in the bathroom mirror, I was on the phone with my agent.

She said my look was ‘unique’ and that clients loved the shape of my face.

For me, that only validated my fear. I did have a large forehead. After crying for the next two hours, I pulled myself together and called my stylist. He expertly reworked my hair to better frame my face.

Sure, all of this might have been a bit unnecessary – my agent didn’t suggest I change my look- but after that one comment I couldn’t bear looking at myself in the mirror anymore. It hurt too much, and I could just see some random girl from my high school talking to her friends about me and my big forehead. It didn’t matter that there were 30 people surrounding me, worshipping every other part of my body… it was that one girl, and her judgmental, hateful comment that did the trick. Not only did it hurt at that one moment, it hurt the entire day.

So the next time you think about publically criticizing a model’s looks, think about how that might feel if it was you. Imagine how it feels to have the one thing you are known and loved for rudely criticized. I can tell you, it hurts. Yes, we receive a lot of praise, but we’re still human and we have feelings.

Summer Styles You Don’t Want To Miss



It’s that time of year again! The time of beaches, babes, and blissful summer flings. The changing of the seasons marks a time where we do away with our winter coats and wooly gloves in favour of straw hats and strappy swimsuits. The sun is out and so are we, soaking up it’s delicious vitamin D.So we change our wardrobes and refresh ourselves and our styles according to the latest trends to hit the fabled fashion week runways, in an effort to make the most of the warm weather while it’s here. This year it’s all about taking a step back in time to revisit the classic mod styles of the Twiggy era, mixed in with some free spirited boho flare and of course, a little 21st century twist.

Nude’s and whites top the colour wheel, followed closely with bold cobalt blues and pretty pastels. White is a great colour for showing off that fresh summer-time tan. For the more feminine femme fatale, pastels can give any outfit a soft aesthetic that graces one with an elegance hard to resist. And, let’s face it, who doesn’t love a nice pop of colour on a night out on the town? This season, showing off one’s shoulders is all the rage. Our favourite dresses and comfy tee’s are slitting their sleeves for a casual, cool look (both chic and temperature wise!).

Sorry, leather, but you’ve been temporarily replaced!! The usual companion of my favourite fabric has been sidelined by a an old, fashionable friend: denim. First popular in jeans and shorts, it has slowly crept it’s way up the body, and is now used to create every article of clothing we can own. Top tip? Pair a denim jacket over a little lace dress for an effortless, casual look.

Patterns have taken up a permanent residence on the summer style scene in the past couple of years. Florals where the big thing once upon a time, and still are a prominent design, but abstract squiggles and geometric lines of all shades and sizes are what have really been dazzling on the runways.

Summer nights out are a highlight of this time of year, whether its fancy dinners at coastal bistro’s or girls night’s at the local pub. So, go treat yourself to a slip dress and a few a-line skirts! The slip dress is effortlessly elegant, and the skirts are spunky and sexy when paired with a tucked in, flowing crop.

What better way to shade your eyes on a sunny beach day then with a straw hat? They’re big, boho, and totally beautiful. Go big or go home, and buy the big floppy ones. They off better coverage, which is better for your skin. Besides, why the hell not, right?

People say diamonds are a girls best friend, but I’m here to negate that theory once and for all. As far as I’m concerned shoes hold the key to my heart, and right now it’s all about the snowy white sneaker. Remember how I said white was in style? I meant it, from head to toe. A great accessory to every outfit, they can really light up an ensemble, no matter how basic it may be.